Learning how to give...

Hello friends,

This morning I woke up before the alarm and before the sun. There I was, sitting up in bed: alert, calm mind, energetic. I decided to go for a run in the park. I jumped out of bed before any thinking began. If I allowed my brain any input on my decision, I would have laid back down to "think it over". The moment my head hit the pillow, I would have been slapping the alarm hours later with a belly-full of disappointment in myself. Fortunately, that wasn't the case...

Pre-run stretching in the dark silence of the morning is liberating. I love the feeling of being the "first one awake" in the neighborhood. Then, I hear my neighbor downstairs as he slams the door and staggers to the street -- he drinks pretty heavy every night and wakes up early. Kind of a bad combo. I feel for him. I lived that pain through my twenties. Now, I'm spending the latter part of my thirties accepting the karma of my past. Such is life...

30 Seconds to Mars streams through my headphones as I breath the morning air, focused on the path ahead (the running path, that is). As I round out the first lap, I notice a man lying in the grass -- a bald head sticking out of a tightly rolled blanket -- he looked like Elmer Fudd wrapped in a burrito. I felt for him. I have an apartment with food in the refrigerator. If I want a hearty breakfast, I'll make it. If I want hot coffee, I'll brew it -- an instant return on my desires. He has nothing but a blanket.

I pushed him out of my mind and focused on the music in my hears and the runner's burn in my legs and chest. But as I rounded my second lap, something came over me -- a reaction I associate with viewing climactic scenes in emotional movies like Schindler's List or Sophie's Choice. When I saw the man again, I got choked up. My eyes welled with tears. It wasn't sweat, I checked. I honestly felt sincere compassion for this man. I knew what to do. I stopped at my car and grabbed all the change I could find in the center console and under the seats. I finished the contents of a water bottle and poured the change inside. I was feeling good... until my brain got involved. I could have run back to the man and set the change on his blanket -- good deed complete! Instead, I decided to finish my 3 laps and bang out some crunches... all the while, clankity-clanking along with a water bottle full of coins.

As I neared the end of my run; I probably resembled a gazelle scanning for predators as I searched for the man in the grass. My mind raced: "I don't see him. Did he leave? How could he leave? I'm trying to help him! I'm trying to give...thoughtlessly! Oh. Damn. I'm thinking too much." Elmer was gone.

At that moment, all the text I've been reading, all the techniques I've put into practice returned to the forefront of my mind. Of course he left. That's how the universe works. What started as a sincere gesture, ended as a self-cherishing act. I wanted to give something to this man so I could feel better about myself. I wasn't putting others before myself. I paraded around the park with "my offering". I should have simply "given" when the moment was genuine. Sorry Elmer. And thank you. I witnessed something so profoundly in myself: my ego. I will work on this. Hopefully, when my emotions call to me with such intensity next time, I'll be able to follow through.

Have a peaceful day... try to keep ego from leading the way.